View: Skynet

            The human race as we know it is coming to an end. Our downfall won’t be climate change, or nuclear fallout, or extraterrestrial invasion, but Skynet. It may not actually be named Skynet, but what is happening at the University of Tubingen in Germany will no doubt spawn an artificial intelligence akin to the genocidal antagonist of the Terminator series.

            The fools at the University of Tubingen have set us on the path to destruction. How? By giving artificial intelligence (AI) to Mario. Once a lovable plumber with a knack for collecting coins, defeating evil turtle-esque villains, and rescuing princesses, good old Mario has been twisted into the vehicle for our demise. These so-called “geniuses” over in Germany have taken a copy of Super Mario Advance, and given Mario the brains he needs to explore and learn on his own.

            The main forces driving the AI are comparable to feelings. Mario can feel four things: hunger, curiosity, fear, and joy. Mario satiates his hungry feeling by collecting coins, so if he has not found any for a while, this feeling drives him to go seek them out. Curiosity encourages Mario to explore his 2 dimensional world and learn more about his surroundings. When encountering new foes, Mario feels fear which drives him to avoid them, and Mario feels joy when all of his other feelings are satisfied.

            As if this level of advanced simulated intellect was not enough, Mario is also able to communicate. That’s right, if you ask Mario how he is feeling, he can respond appropriately with a text bubble sharing his thoughts. If he is feeling hungry, he has the ability to whine about it like the fat kid from Willie Wonka. If you ask him questions, he can sift through his gathered knowledge and find you the best answer he can produce. I only have one question for you Mario: What is your plan and when do you intend to execute it (and us)?

            I know this all seems inconsequential, like it is just an innocent experiment in the advancement of computing systems, but you need to see the road that we are traveling down. You may also need to see Terminator 2: Judgement Day. The biggest problem with a program like this is that it learns. If something can learn, then it can get smarter. If it can get smarter, then it can potentially get smarter than we are, and that is absolutely no good. What happens when Mario goes “exploring”, finds some back door into the internet, and “explores” his way right into your smartphone? The last thing I need is a super intelligent Mario reading all the poorly constructed rap verses I have scribbled down in the notes app on my iPhone.

            The end is nigh my friends. The future is now and we need to put it on hold, because I refuse to be conquered by a race of super intelligent, 64-bit plumbers who just want to jump on my head and take all of my quarters. If you want to discuss future plans to prevent this and survive, you can find me at Cost Co., where I’ll be stocking up for my anti-AI bomb shelter.